Telltale Signs That It Is Time to Quit Using Distraction as a Behavior Strategy

Introduction: What Distraction Is (and What It Is Not)

Truth be told, distraction is an easy and inviting way to help our little kids overcome moments of frustration and, up to a certain age or stage, it proves to be an effective and useful parenting strategy for managing behaviors and avoiding crises. And there’s nothing wrong with using it, as long as it works and helps, rather than hinders the child’s growth.

When does a Helpful Tool Become a Hindrance?

Well, first let’s agree that distraction offers a swift but short-term solution when a child is experiencing frustration. The purpose of the strategy is to help the child focus on something less frustrating and hopefully more appealing. For the most part, this can be successfully achieved at very young ages, when everything is new and curiosity is boundless and comprehension is just developing. As noted, the goal is a positive one: to help the child move on from behaviors associated with upset or tantrums to a calmer and happier state of mind.

However, sometimes, if this strategy is overused, we risk trading this positive and supportive goal for a less noble one, namely, to allow the child to avoid negative emotions and experiences. While our intent is perhaps to spare the child (and ourselves) the emotional discomfort and the unpleasantness of the situation, the outcome of bypassing (unpleasant) emotions or behaviors is to miss out on opportunities for growth. But let’s be clear: we don’t intend to teach our kids that certain emotions and/or behaviors are to be suppressed; we are aware that emotional suppression is unhealthy; more likely we consider the time or place of the unfolding tantrum to be inappropriate within a given context. That’s why the decision whether to use of this strategy should take into account the child’s developmental stage and the quality of the parent-child relationship.

Another thing to consider is what type of distraction you are offering. For example, if you repeatedly use a tablet/smartphone screen for distraction, this could develop into a harmful and even addictive habit or simply become an avoidance pattern.

What signs can help us determine when it’s time to limit our use of the strategy?

Here are some telltale signs to watch for.

Sign No. 1: The Same Behaviors Keep Recurring

In other words, if at an earlier stage you could once in a while use distraction effectively, you may come to notice that certain types of behavior are repeating more frequently while the strategy is proving less effective. The repetition of the behavior is a sign that the child’s emotional needs have not been sufficiently or appropriately addressed. Emotions need to be handled and processed, and it is the parent’s job to help the child interpret the meaning and possible significance of the experience. In this sense, the parent serves as a mediator between life events and the child’s perception of the events. When a child is cognitively ready to learn to process difficult situations and the accompanying emotions, but the parent offers distraction instead of mediation, the behavior is apt to repeat.

A child’s behavior is a means of communication; he or she is signaling that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. This may take the form of repeated instances of resistance, when the child time and time again refuses to cooperate or to follow the parent’s instructions. Or it may manifest as negative-attention-seeking behavior, like initiating conflict with siblings.

Sign No.2: The Negative Behaviors and Tantrums Are Escalating

When the child’s repeated behavioral message fails to reach its intended audience, he or she has no other recourse but to escalate the behavior. Often, this manifests in aggressive or violent actions. The child is asking to be seen and understood. What is called for at this stage is to help the child learn to express emotions verbally. Naming emotions is the way children (and adults) process their experiences. This is a skill that children need to be taught.

Overusing the distraction strategy at this point only delays the learning and increases the frustration, an emotion which, when left unnamed, causes further acting out, unpleasantness, and escalation of negative attention seeking. If the child’s need for emotional instruction remains unmet, it can lead to power struggles or, even worse, to emotional disconnect. Instead of distracting, it is time to teach your child the language of emotions; naming and then processing the emotions signals the child’s transition into the next developmental stage.

Sign No.3: You Feel You’re Managing, Not Connecting

Let’s begin by acknowledging that you (and your co-parent) know your child better than anyone else: better than those with more experience, like grandparents, better than the caregiver or teacher, no matter how much time is spent in educational frameworks. Your connection with your child is on another level. That’s why it’s important to be attentive to your internal cues—you are a significant source of information about your child.

So, if you feel a change in your relationship with the child, perhaps an emotional distance, or a sense of disconnect, take it seriously: stop to contemplate what’s going on. Ask yourself: have your responses become rushed and mechanical, instead of seeing and feeling what your child needs at that moment? When you use distraction as a strategy and it works, is the feeling of relief followed by discomfort or doubt? These are your internal cues, calling you to pause and reconsider what needs to come next. You probably don’t want to permanently exchange your emotional connection with your child for either a bit of quiet or for his or her obedience.

Sign No.4: Language and Cognitive Development

As I mentioned, when the distraction strategy no longer works, this may be a sign of your child‘s cognitive development. The signs of such development can be recognized in increased language use for communicating desires and emotions, greater understanding of situations and patterns, and the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling by considering the other’s perspective.

At this point, an attempt to redirect the attention of a cognitively competent child ceases to be a viable strategy. Moreover, if its use is prolonged, the strategy may be harmful, because by applying it, you are effectively underestimating the child´s capabilities. Failure to notice and address the development taking place could potentially lead to the escalation of negative behaviors, not to mention an emotional disconnect.

What to Do Instead: Moving Beyond Distraction

At this stage, your child is ready to engage—cognitively and verbally, so, instead of redirecting her attention to something that distracts from the unpleasantness she is experiencing, engage with her and ask about what she is experiencing.

The first step is to acknowledge the experience and address the emotion that the child is communicating. “I see you’re unhappy/uncomfortable in this situation. Are you frustrated? Angry?” Younger children need to learn to name their emotions because it helps them process and make sense of the emotions and experience. At any and every age, naming the experience helps us learn more about ourselves and how we interpret and react to events. It is an important step because it shows your child that there is no need to run away from or try to avoid unpleasant emotions. When you stay present through the child’s discomfort you are teaching your child that he can do the same. Coping builds strength and perseverance.

Your Takeaway

A once-effective strategy can later hinder the desired development. Remember that change comes gradually; this is as true of the child’s development as it is for switching strategies. Gradually, you’ll rely on the distraction strategy less frequently, as it becomes less effective. The key, as always, is to use any strategy conscientiously and to be informed of what comes next.